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Last year, Tracy McCubbin \u2014 who has been a professional declutterer for two decades and lives by the motto \u201cdon\u2019t put it down, put it away\u201d \u2014 married a man she described as \u201cvery messy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Both acknowledged the \u201ccosmic joke\u201d of their unlikely pairing. Ms. McCubbin put blue painter\u2019s tape on every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen when the pair first moved in together, offering a map to what goes where. But she has also learned to practice what she preaches to her clients, staying cool and calm about messes that don\u2019t affect her day-to-day functioning. Like his night stand, which is buried under books, charging cables and remotes to TVs she is fairly certain they no longer own.<\/p>\n
Or the jumble of tools her husband, an avid gardener, tends to leave in the yard. \u201cIt\u2019s all over the place,\u201d Ms. McCubbin sighed. \u201cBut you know what? We have a beautiful garden. Our fruit trees are fruiting. It\u2019s really been about understanding: This part doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ms. McCubbin, and other experts in organizing as well as psychology, said there were a few practical strategies that could help pack rats and neatniks cohabitate in relative harmony.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\u201cOftentimes when one person is more cluttered, the underlying thesis is that they\u2019re wrong, that they\u2019re doing it the wrong way, that they\u2019re bad,\u201d Ms. McCubbin said. <\/strong>But in many cases, household clutter is simply an indication you don\u2019t have solid systems in place.<\/p>\n Some of the solutions she offers to clients are almost too obvious, she said. For instance, she has worked with frustrated parents whose children toss backpacks and coats in what she calls the \u201clanding strip\u201d just inside the front door. Hanging a few hooks that they can easily reach helps.<\/p>\n Ms. McCubbin also recommends adding sufficient shelving for an avid reader\u2019s books. (\u201cThe line in the sand is they have to be on a shelf. They can\u2019t be in stacks on the floor.\u201d) At home, she put a dish by the front door, so her husband wasn\u2019t \u201closing his mind for 10 or 15 minutes every day\u201d looking for his wallet and keys.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s always important to explain that these systems are being put in place to help,\u201d she said, \u201cnot because \u2018you\u2019re wrong.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Ms. McCubbin said it\u2019s most important to consider the practical implications of clutter.<\/p>\n \u201cThe goal in getting organized is to make your home work for you,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019s not about rainbow bookshelves or making things look perfect, it\u2019s about getting control of clutter so that you can cook in your kitchen and actually use your garage.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n Pour most of your energy into common spaces, Ms. McCubbin advises her clients. For example, she and her husband like to cook, so the kitchen must function well for both of them, she said. But he has an office and a bathroom that she rarely steps foot in so she does not have to see the mess. (Many people don\u2019t have that much space, she acknowledged.)<\/p>\n Focusing on function can be especially helpful for parents who don\u2019t want to battle their children over messy bedrooms. Antonia Colins, who runs the website Balance Through Simplicity, has two adolescent daughters, one of whom struggles with neatness. So Ms. Colins has set basic ground rules, she said. For instance, she insists on clutter-free floors and a desk that is clear enough to study from. (She also expects her daughters to put their dirty laundry next to the washing machine, and return any plates or glasses to the kitchen.) But she looks the other way if the bed isn\u2019t made perfectly or if there is a pile of clean clothes in the corner.<\/p>\n Sometimes clutter piles up because someone is unwilling to put in the effort to clean and organize. Other times, it is because they have mental or physical roadblocks, explained Michael A. Tompkins, a psychologist and co-author of \u201cDigging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding and Compulsive Acquiring.\u201d<\/p>\n Perhaps the most obvious example is hoarding disorder<\/a>, but there are other links between mental health and messiness<\/a>. For instance, those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (A.D.H.D.) or other executive functioning issues often struggle with excess clutter. In those instances, patience and understanding can go a long way, he said.<\/p>\n Physical limitations can also be a factor. \u201cI\u2019m 73, so I can speak to this personally,\u201d Dr. Tompkins said. \u201cMy ability to maintain my living environment has degraded as my physical capacity has degraded, not because I\u2019m not still interested in keeping my living environment tidy and organized.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n He said that it is important to note any sudden or drastic changes in a person\u2019s household cleanliness (or if they seem to be accumulating an unhealthy amount of stuff) and flag them to a primary care physician, as they can indicate an underlying health issue.<\/p>\n If a person is simply unwilling to compromise on clutter, that may also be cause for concern. There could be more foundational relationship problems at play.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s never just about the socks,\u201d said Kiaundra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. \u201cIt\u2019s really about poor communication skills, or other needs, or gender roles \u2014 or something way deeper.\u201d<\/p>\n If one person in the household is especially rigid about clutter, that may be more about control than cleanliness, she said, and is something he or she may need to work on in individual therapy. Couples therapy or simply working with an organizer can also help you come to a better understanding if you have reached a stalemate, Ms. Jackson said.<\/p>\n Though outside support can help, learning new communication tactics can sometimes be enough to defuse conflict, Ms. Jackson said. Don\u2019t broach the topic of clutter when anyone involved is hungry or tired, she said. And beware of nagging, which she characterized as repeating the same thing over and over in the same way.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nFocus on functionality.<\/h2>\n
Consider the deeper issues at play.<\/h2>\n
Be strategic in how you talk about it.<\/h2>\n